Well fuck my life.
The guy I love so much has given up on me.
We were perfect..everything seemed to be going perfect. Let me tell you, jake is no actor. And if he acted throughout our relationship he deserves a mother fuckin grammy. The day before we broke up is when shit got tough. I started being insecure and overthinkin like I used to. I wasn’t myself and freaked on Jake more than I did before. He was trying to make me happy and I wouldn’t allow it. He continued to tell me he loved me over and over and telling me how much I meant to him but I wouldn’t have any of it. I fucked up. He wasnt even doing anything wrong and he apologized…
Our relationship has never been perfect, but who the hells is?
I made loving me hard. Very hard.
When Jake fell in love with me I was my normal self… easy going, drama free Sarah. I didn’t give a shit about anything. I got too caught up in the drama, the love, and what everyone else said a relationship should be like. I didn’t go by what I thought anymore… that’s a lie actually. I didn’t go by what my regular morals and values where. I changed and I’m kicking myself for it every minute of ready day.
The day we broke up I freaked..I was telling him all the things I didn’t like in our relationship and didn’t care about all the things that where good. Everyone now is saying Jake isn’t a good boyfriend..but he was for me. He was perfect for me. But I treated him like horse shit. I didnt make him feel special, I made him feel guilty.
I pray every waking second for another chance. I did this before but I didn’t have enough time to get back to being myself. I did realize that I was the problem, and said I would fix it. But I didn’t do anything to fix it. Im doing all I can now to bring myself back, and its already working. Im being carefree sarah again and loving the people I forgot mattered when I was caught up only thinking jake mattered.
I have a lot to remember if I get back with jake:
A) there are more people to love than just jake. I have family and friends that have always been there for me and I need to spend time with them too. Yeah, jake is important and will always be to me. But he can’t be everything. Not now, at the age of 19 yrs old. He needs space and I need space to build our relationship better than ever.
B) quit being so god damned clingy. I wouldn’t date myself. So why would he. He is jake green. He needs space and independence. Im sarah stark and i have never depended on anyone in my life. So why the fuck would I now. Who cares if he is talking to other girls..yeah he has lied about it in the past but it was because he knows that I would freak. Which I did anyway. So stop it.
C) jake has a hard time talking about his feelings. So dont push it. Ever. if you do than your overwhelming him more than he needs and can take.
D) dont sweat the small stuff. Remember that he loves you..and wouldn’t hurt you. Thats why he lets you down easy.
Guys run from the overwhelming controlling girls. They are no fun..
I just gotta remember to not give up hope just yet. The day before we broke up jake wrote me a note on my placemat telling me he loved me. He also said if I ever stopped loving him he would spank me cause he cant take it. He loves me. He loves me whether he will admit it to me or not.
And I love him and i fucked up again. I will remember everything if we ever get back together again cause it will not be my fault if it all goes to hell again. If we do break up again it won’t be because of me, it will be because it wasn’t meant to be and I will be able to move on.
E) no sleepovers everynight. Never more than two nights in a row ever again.
Love is a battlefield. You win some and you lose some. All relationships have a lot of ups and downs. But to get to the ups you have to push your way through the downs.
I myself am in love. Head over heels, love. The world stops when im with him. He asks me why my heart beats so fast all the time…but the truth is when he touches my body it gets electrifed and my blood pumps a thousand heartbeats a minute. See, I told you. Head over heels.
June of 2012 is when I first read the words, “I like you” on my screen off my cellphone. At the time I was so confused, I had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. I told him he was a brother to me and I would never date him. Whether or not he admits it, I broke his heart.
Summer went on and I was seeing a lot of him. My little brother and him had became best friends and he was over all the time. If I needed help he was the first one to be there for me. No matter what it was..slowly, without realizing I started falling for him. His amazing sense of humor, his goofy smile, his amazing heart. The way he cared, like no one else did, even when I broke his heart. Suddenly everything else became beautiful about him. I realized suddenly that he was the perfect guy for me.
He has so many amazing qualities; he is funny, smart (whether he admits it or not), he loves to: hunt, fish, and work on vehicals. When that boy works on a vehical everything about him changes. You can literally watch the tension rise from his shoulders and back, the frown turn to a smile and everything that he was worrying about is forgotten. He cares way more about others than himself. He would drop anything to be there for anyone. He hates to see people sad or hurting. He and I broke up for 11 days and boy let me tell you it was the worst days of my life. What he told me was he was trying to let me down easy. It was hard to hear, but it reassured me that he truley did love me.
Our relationship is a rollercoaster. It is not easy. Its hard as hell. We bicker like a married couple. The other day he told me sometimes he feels like im a chore. That. Ripped. Me. Apart. I don’t want to bother him. It hurts me that I annoy him. My new resolution isn’t going to be to lose weight. Its to become a better person not just for myself but for our relationship.
I have some issues: I worry to much, freak out about the little things, sometimes dont trust, and feel left out a lot.
I’m going to try so hard to fix all those issues. I wanna change for him.
I hope and pray he doesn’t give up on me again. I’m trying to change, but it will take time.
I love his kisses, when he play fights with me, when he lays on top of me and begs me to kiss him, the cuddling, when he rubs my back or head or neck, when he picks me up and makes me feel little.
I love my Jacob anthony green ♥
I know you will never read this but don’t give up on me yet.
XO Sarah Rose
Just a lonely girl *: Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. on We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/entry/20002690/via/beatinginadifferentway
(Source: , via keep--floating)